"Of course they wouldn't think it," Brainy said petulantly, some of his old snotty tone surfacing, as he stared up at the moldy ceiling. "That's why they deserve it."
He drew in a deep breath and sighed.
"I do seem to be getting rather existential at the moment, don't I. It's been taxing being here. You'll start to feel it soon enough. An overabundance of self-awareness. It's all the choices we're presented - what depths of darkness or actual common decency we accept. It's a vise, one that tries to squeeze us into whatever true character we are or whatever character we need to make up to survive."
His brows furrowed.
"I'd prefer you and Lyle to stay the same, if you don't mind," he said politely. "It's just a request. I know it may not be possible."
He needed it, though. He needed Rokk to stay the same bright spot, the same stubborn person that had refused to give up on him - that refused to give up on anyone - and gave speeches about hope. He needed Lyle to keep smirking that stupid smirk of his and to not fall too deeply back into the spy game, into having blood on his hands again. They all knew it was there and just pretended they didn't, or accepted that a change in direction was what mattered most.
Brainy needed something to stay the same. He wasn't going to get it and it was selfish to want them to not change, just for him, but he wished he didn't have to worry about them on top of worrying about everything else.
"It's too much. All the rest."
Lonestar, the weight of being one of the smartest people here, most likely smarter than the smartest of the Capitol scientists. He wasn't even the only one working to fight all this but that made it even more complicated. So many pieces in play. Who could be trusted? Who should be blocked out? Whose lives should be risked? Even if they were volunteering as pawns to be pushed around by an invisible hand it didn't change that some mind be sacrifices and he wasn't really the best chessmaster, anyway.
The real thing wasn't a chess game. The real thing involved people, a subject he'd never quite mastered. At least Rokk was here to help him push the pieces but that was all the more reason Rokk needed to stay Rokk.
If the only thing he had to worry about was the juggling act, he could've managed it but not when he wasn't dealing with his own emotions, with his own pain and trauma. What they'd done to him this arena made it clear that the storm was raging underneath the inhibitors, and he was left wondering, even if he got them back, if they would be enough. What if, down the line, he suddenly felt the maelstrom spilling out over the top of its technologically-reinforced dam?
no subject
He drew in a deep breath and sighed.
"I do seem to be getting rather existential at the moment, don't I. It's been taxing being here. You'll start to feel it soon enough. An overabundance of self-awareness. It's all the choices we're presented - what depths of darkness or actual common decency we accept. It's a vise, one that tries to squeeze us into whatever true character we are or whatever character we need to make up to survive."
His brows furrowed.
"I'd prefer you and Lyle to stay the same, if you don't mind," he said politely. "It's just a request. I know it may not be possible."
He needed it, though. He needed Rokk to stay the same bright spot, the same stubborn person that had refused to give up on him - that refused to give up on anyone - and gave speeches about hope. He needed Lyle to keep smirking that stupid smirk of his and to not fall too deeply back into the spy game, into having blood on his hands again. They all knew it was there and just pretended they didn't, or accepted that a change in direction was what mattered most.
Brainy needed something to stay the same. He wasn't going to get it and it was selfish to want them to not change, just for him, but he wished he didn't have to worry about them on top of worrying about everything else.
"It's too much. All the rest."
Lonestar, the weight of being one of the smartest people here, most likely smarter than the smartest of the Capitol scientists. He wasn't even the only one working to fight all this but that made it even more complicated. So many pieces in play. Who could be trusted? Who should be blocked out? Whose lives should be risked? Even if they were volunteering as pawns to be pushed around by an invisible hand it didn't change that some mind be sacrifices and he wasn't really the best chessmaster, anyway.
The real thing wasn't a chess game. The real thing involved people, a subject he'd never quite mastered. At least Rokk was here to help him push the pieces but that was all the more reason Rokk needed to stay Rokk.
If the only thing he had to worry about was the juggling act, he could've managed it but not when he wasn't dealing with his own emotions, with his own pain and trauma. What they'd done to him this arena made it clear that the storm was raging underneath the inhibitors, and he was left wondering, even if he got them back, if they would be enough. What if, down the line, he suddenly felt the maelstrom spilling out over the top of its technologically-reinforced dam?