It was worse than hearing Margaret telling him No. This was actually worse. He couldn't placate himself by musing about poor choices of old flames he would never throw into an argument to crown himself the victor, but could always muse over in silence to drone out the Whys and the Logic.
He hated logic, couldn't ignore it.
When the hell had he ever said his grand idea would go against the Arena rules? Hawkeye hears Holiday speaking, silently as she had granted him the favor, but the understanding was lost. They were speaking the same language, it was true. But the meaning wasn't there. To the death? A schedule? Faulty equipment and keeping the gears turning in the bloody machine- how was any of this new? And Hawkeye felt his blood boil. He had to lower his head because he knew it was beginning to flush red. He hated himself- what Holiday said and kept saying was true and he wanted to scream we can still do it like he was leading a pep team at the sidelines of a junior high football game on a murky Thursday night.
"I'm going to ask them," he says after a moment. If there was dirt, he'd draw circles in it. Instead, he's forced to look at Holiday again. So the woman was resolute- well, so was he. "Maybe they won't do what you want them to. All they want is entertainment. Maybe it doesn't have to be through killing- has anyone thought about that? About what would happen if we just didn't run around stabbing each other because the big guy with the beard said so? If they can- if the Gamemakers can bring us dinosaurs and skimpy nightwear they sure as hell can get us 3-0 silk. Do you know what I've done so far? Tonight. Let's stay with tonight- today- I don't know what day today is anymore. Recently." His voice was heated, but low, still not even anything more than a whisper. His right hand trembled and he clasped it with his left to steady it. And to think he'd been so near dozing off, and now he's buzzing with the adrenaline of overwork. "There's a boy who's eyes melted, Doctor, have you ever worked on something like that before? Because I sure as hell hadn't. But we got anaesthetic for him. Now the only thing between that boy and survival are the antibiotics he doesn't have. I'm not going to not ask for them."
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He hated logic, couldn't ignore it.
When the hell had he ever said his grand idea would go against the Arena rules? Hawkeye hears Holiday speaking, silently as she had granted him the favor, but the understanding was lost. They were speaking the same language, it was true. But the meaning wasn't there. To the death? A schedule? Faulty equipment and keeping the gears turning in the bloody machine- how was any of this new? And Hawkeye felt his blood boil. He had to lower his head because he knew it was beginning to flush red. He hated himself- what Holiday said and kept saying was true and he wanted to scream we can still do it like he was leading a pep team at the sidelines of a junior high football game on a murky Thursday night.
"I'm going to ask them," he says after a moment. If there was dirt, he'd draw circles in it. Instead, he's forced to look at Holiday again. So the woman was resolute- well, so was he. "Maybe they won't do what you want them to. All they want is entertainment. Maybe it doesn't have to be through killing- has anyone thought about that? About what would happen if we just didn't run around stabbing each other because the big guy with the beard said so? If they can- if the Gamemakers can bring us dinosaurs and skimpy nightwear they sure as hell can get us 3-0 silk. Do you know what I've done so far? Tonight. Let's stay with tonight- today- I don't know what day today is anymore. Recently." His voice was heated, but low, still not even anything more than a whisper. His right hand trembled and he clasped it with his left to steady it. And to think he'd been so near dozing off, and now he's buzzing with the adrenaline of overwork. "There's a boy who's eyes melted, Doctor, have you ever worked on something like that before? Because I sure as hell hadn't. But we got anaesthetic for him. Now the only thing between that boy and survival are the antibiotics he doesn't have. I'm not going to not ask for them."